Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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