just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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