nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize