Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
