Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How's work?
Spinning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
