last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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