seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
