life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
