Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize