we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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