He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
