I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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