You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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