I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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