I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
