Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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