the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
