So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
