Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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