at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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