Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
