Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
