hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
