I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The Olympian is in my bed
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
