She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
