Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
