my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
