Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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