The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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