She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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