so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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