if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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