your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
