Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize