Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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