Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
