Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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