I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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