i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
