Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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