Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
