Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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