She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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