i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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