this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
