I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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