Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
