Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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