yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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