i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
