where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
