Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
