I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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