weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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