We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
