We got so high we made milksteak
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
