i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
