time to smoke my breakfast
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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