Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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