I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
