I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
