Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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