Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
