so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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